LFA Episode 1.5 Transcript - The Department of Cults and Mysteries


 * music starts*

Will: If we don’t record this, no one will believe us.

Quinn: If you don’t help us, we don’t know what will happen.

Will: The disappearances keep coming-

Quinn: And coming, and the forest keeps its secrets.

Will: So, as always, dear listeners:

Quinn: Grab some tea-

Will: And your conspiracy board-

Both: Because we are: Live From Averno.

* music swells*

Quinn: Hey folks, and welcome back to a new episode of Live From Averno, where we figure out what the heck happened to all the missing people and what the heck is happening in this town.

Will: Heck.

Quinn: Exactly.

Will: So as you may or may not know, Averno is home to A New School, a college that is exactly what boomers fear in education: rather than traditional majors-

Quinn: So passé-

Will: A New School has seven departments. And I happen to be in the best.

Quinn: Okay, that’s just not true.

Will: Excuse me, the Department of Cults and Mysteries is the best! We have a cottage! And cult! What do you have?

Quinn: The library, the cathedral, the smell of old books and new discoveries…

Will: Nerd. Also, you’re drooling.

Quinn: And you live in a cottage! Don’t tell me you’re not romantic.

Will: With tunnels! It’s not like a little fairy cottage, our cottage has tunnels and depression and mystery-

Quinn: And angst, and a poor sense of decoration, and probably mold-

Will: Conspiracy boards count as decoration!

Quinn: The smell of rust and dirt are not perfume. The Department of Lost Histories, on the other hand-

Will: Quinn, stop simping over your department. This episode is about DCM.

Quinn: Unfortunately. So fine, tell me: what is a day in the life of a DCM student like?

Will: Dark. Candlelit. Filled with the sounds of arguments, Buzzfeed Unsolved, and emotionally and intellectually stimulating debate. Perfect. It’s feral academia at its best.

Quinn: Now who’s drooling?

Will: *hmms*

Quinn: So that sounds disturbing, uh, why are we friends?

Will: Because you may be a simp, and maybe I’m crazy, but at our core we both… care.

Quinn: And need a whole lot of therapy.

Will: On that note: time for the school bulletin board.

--

Quinn: ‘A department that shall not be named would like to issue a formal statement regarding and incident witnessed by some members of the school at the edge of the Forest last Thursday at the full moon: there was no incident. You were not there. Anyone saying otherwise may or may not be prone to accidents in the near future.’

Will: ‘There are reports of a large toad being spotted by the Department of Hidden Sequences Birdcage. Please do not approach for any reason.’

Quinn: ‘The Department of Cults and Mysteries is seeking talented member of Creation and Destruction to aid in the development of a new cleaning solution-- the “red wine stains” are getting out of hand. Please help.’

Will: *laughs* ‘The Department of Higher Powers is currently taking applications for a new study on the physical and psychological impacts of taking long walks through the Forest. Please note the school does not encourage any student to enter the Forest for any reason.’

Quinn: ‘The staff meeting in the DLH library has been rescheduled for next week as sightings of a large python have led to an extensive search party in the area. Students are reminded to keep a closer eye on their illegal pets and experiments.’

Will: Oh shit! *sounds of Will running out of room*

* sounds of Will running back into room*

Will: Now we’re good!

Quinn: So-

* both laugh*

Quinn: So what are the professors like? I heard rumors, uh, but it’s hard to know what’s true here.

Will: Oh, the professors- *sounds of positive emotion*

Quinn: Really, I’m- I’m the simp in the relationship?

Will: Okay, just- *sighs* Smart people? Talented people? People who have withgone rigorous and extensive academic training, and yet also have impeccable senses of fashion and strange and mysterious backstories? It’s like, every students’ wet dream! In a like, emotional and intellectual way.

Quinn: I feel like you just want your life to be a fanfic.

Will: I think my life is a fanfic. Wait, who the fuck is writing it?

Quinn: Somebody with deep, deep issues.

Will: I-

Quinn: For the next episode.

Will: Anyways, um, professors! Yeah, so, uh, you know how in angsty movies there’s always that shot of the guy in the rain brooding in a fedora, pacing in a room talking to himself?

Quinn: We watch very different movies. Mine have a lot more… period pieces?

Will: ...bodice rippers! So that’s what you watch in DLH! On those movie nights where you guys are supposedly just-

Quinn: I- they’re just costumes, I-

Will: Uh-huh, when you’re doing ‘research’? Is research bodice rippers? Are you researching the abs of nondescript white men?

Quinn: Historical pieces provide an… entryway for the non-academic to get access to historical knowledge, and you know what? Attractive people make it more interesting.

Will: I think you just want access to that guy’s- *snorts*

Quinn: I- on air! On air!

Will: Anyways, um-

Quinn: Guy, brooding in the rain, fedora-

Will: Yes!

Quinn: Oo woo I’m moody, I definitely know the type.

Will: Um, his name is Francisco Marez, and I- I think I love him.

Quinn: So wait, you’re saying this guy’s actually a professor?

Will: Yes.

Quinn: Wait, okay, I think- I think I may have met him before. He’s that tall guy that’s like always staring into the Forest? I talked to him once and uh- well I kind of talked to him. It was like, later than I should probably say on air, and I was walking home in the dark-

Will: Where- which department were you walking home from?

* long pause*

Quinn: On air!

Will: *laughs* Okay.

Quinn: I was walking home in the dark and this guy passed me, and of course, the long trench coat and I started to fear for my life a little bit, and he starts going on this monologue about like, ‘tearing it down’ and ‘nothing can be saved’ and ‘corruption runs deep, dismantle, redistribute’ stuff like that-

Will: Oh yeah, that was definitely Francisco.

Quinn: Okay, so stuff like that. And I’m not sure if he was talking to me or the air or whatever, so I just said like, ‘mood’.

Will: LMAOOO. *laughs* What did he say?

Quinn: He just turned and looked at me, he goes ‘yes, Quinn. That is the mood.’ And like, I- I don’t know how he knows my name, I’m a little-

Will: *laughs* Welcome-

Quinn: I’m a little nervous about that.

Will: Welcome to Professor Francisco Marez! He is, uh, seriously anti-crime, but he is even more adamantly anti-police. He runs a class called Criminal Systems and it’s never entirely clear to which system he is referring? Honestly a god.

Quinn: Okay, so what about the other professors?

Will: Um, Ana Straum teaches Criminal Psychology, she is simultaneously the softest and most terrifying person you will ever meet. I asked her to meet after class one day to go over an assignment and- and she made me tea and showed me her knife collection.

Quinn: ...her knife collection?

Will: Yeah. Entire wall.

Quinn: Okay, now who’s drooling? So let me guess-

Will: I mean, how could I not?

Quinn: You fell in love?

Will: I- obviously.

Quinn: Okay, so that’s two-for-two you’re in love with.

Will: *sighs* Whatever.

Quinn: What about the next?

Will: Professor Souza is definitely the coolest person I know, she has frickin’ light-up rims on her wheelchair? Like- *sighs* what the- *sighs* She’s the head of the department also, uh, but I’m honestly not really sure what she teaches, it’s kind of a mix between cryptography and paranormal research and abnormal psychology but she just calls it ‘The Odd’.

Quinn: How odd.

Will: I know. And then last, but definitely not least, Sabita Dido is the professor of anthropology- sorry, biological anthropology. It’s like, she can just pick up any bone and she just… knows, y’know?

Quinn: Knows what?

Will: ...everything? Like, what it came from, who it came from, their whole story. One time she showed up to class with a mountain of bones and just told us to ‘understand them’. After that we smashed them in different ways so that we could gain a specific and tactile understanding of the trauma of death. I’d be more worried, but once I saw her taking a wheelbarrow to Roadkill Cuts Butcher.

Quinn: Honestly, I think now I’m in love.

Will: Simp.

Quinn: Okay, don’t play, you know you are too.

Will: Yeah, whatever.

Quinn: And now a quick moment of appreciation for all the people who keep us from dying!

Will: Thank you to Blaine for delivering us pizza yesterday-- we may or may not have forgotten to eat again. Uh, however, in the future, maybe no anchovies and pineapple?

Quinn: I have a delicate palette. And shoutout to Leia and Caroline, without your help I would never have found my way out of the Department of Hidden Sequences’ maze.

Will: What were you doing in the maze?

Quinn: I… have no idea.

Will: Oh, so that’s where you were walking back from that night!

Quinn: I- *clears throat*

Will: Hmm? Hmm? And uh, lastly to codename ‘MidlifeCrisis666: the poem you slipped under my door last night was really… interesting. Thanks!

Quinn: Why don’t I get any love letters?

Will: Uh… I think it’s because they know that I’m the dark and broody and interesting one, and you’re busy uh *smacks lips* with your bodice rippers.

Quinn: And making scones! We could have reading dates and picnics!

Will: Alright, well I guess this is ‘Quinn officially hitting up the entire airwaves’, so if any of you guys-

Quinn: I can neither confirm nor deny that.

Will: *laughs* Simp.

-

Quinn: Next on our list is the general myths, lore, legends of the Department of Cults and Mysteries. So there- there has to be more than enough material there, tell me about the weird stuff.

Will: Quinn, not on air!

Quinn: I- I mean the, like- *frustrated sound*

Will: *laughs*

Quinn: -weird stuff, the tea. All the departments have it! The gossip! The myths! The legends! The drama!

Will: Dear listeners, can you hear my eyes rolling?

Quinn: Spill.

Will: Quinn, it’s the Department of Cults and Mysteries, I have to keep it… mysterious!

Quinn: Lame. Fine, okay just- tell me about the cults!

Will: There aren’t any cults.

Quinn: Can we put the sound of crickets?

Will: I’ll fix it in post.

Quinn: Come ooon.

Will: *sighs* Wellllll… you know Alyssa? The person who likes to swoosh around in those floor-length ballgowns?

Quinn: But you just described half with people in DCM and Lost Histories and Highers Powers.

Will: Okay, well- *sighs* We were talking the other day about the tunnels. There are these tunnels that run underneath the Cottage, except- I’m not really sure where they go? I don’t think anyone knows, honestly, I mean like, obviously a lot of them are just kind of- there’s the freshman dorms, and then there’s the upperclassman dorms, and there’s the common rooms and the screening rooms and then- the other rooms I can’t talk about on air- and, y’know, all of those. But basically, while it’s kind of a tangled knot in the center, there are tunnels that go outward? And- and you never manage to actually follow them, like you can decide that you’re going to set off and follow them but somehow you always end up turned around right back where you started, and so nobody’s actually sure where to go, and… well? *sighs* Apparently people used to know where they go?

Quinn: So what… happened? Was there like, a cave in or something?

Will: No, I mean- *sighs* Apparently years ago the tunnels used to go into the Forest. Students used to use them to sneak into the woods for, uh… *smacks lips* reasons.

Quinn: Cult reasons?

Will: Reasons.

Quinn: There’s definitely a cult.

* both laugh*

Will: Can neither confirm nor deny.

Quinn: Okay, so you’re telling me that part of one of the many things that makes your department so great are these like, dark and smelly never-ending tunnels and like, an underground nest? Like, are- are you a student or a badger? This- this sounds disgusting.

Will: *snorts* Little trash panda.

* both laugh*

Quinn: Why do you like this place?

Will: *sighs* It’s not like that, it’s… it’s home, y’know? The walls are rough but clean, and the air smells sweet, like- like honey! The only dirty part is finding empty Mountain Dew bottles everywhere, which- not to @ anyone, but I know that they don’t come from DCM. Also, um, okay-- do you remember the beginning from the opening of either the Hobbit or the Lord of the Rings? I don’t know if we’re allowed to say those on air, it might be copyrighted.

Quinn: Shhhh. From vague shows involving-

Will: From- from vague shows about small hairy-feeted people? Um- *laughs* The part where it opens and it says that he lived in a hole in the ground, but not the dirty, smelly, nasty kind of hole? It’s that-

Quinn: It was a hobbit hole.

Will: It was a hobbit hole! It’s that kind of hole! It’s nice!

Quinn: But like, instead of the cottagecore aspect you just take angst and just like, keep cranking that dial up?

Will: Okay, so it’s like hobbitcore but more-

Quinn: Bilbo would never use red velvet. Just saying.

Will: I definitely think Bilbo had a red velvet phase. I stand by that! I stand by it.

* pause*

Quinn: Okay, so, who built the tunnels?

Will: Again, as much as I like to keep the mystery alive, I… don’t think anyone knows. But I will warn you: don’t go down there on the new moon, and if you ever find yourself down there alone, if you get that tickle on the back of your neck- don’t look behind you. There are some things you don’t need to see. Some things you can drive yourself crazy trying to see.

Quinn: Well that’s… that’s a little creepy. So, anything else you can tell me?

Will: Well… I guess I can talk about the department motto.

Quinn: Let me guess: drink Red Bull and howl at the moon.

Will: ‘Consume.’

Quinn: Yeah, so I wasn’t that far off.

Will: *huffs*

Quinn: Seriously? Consume? That’s it? That’s the message you want to send to the young and impressionable youth out there?

Will: That is exactly the message we want to send! DCM is about that search and that drive to understand the darker side of the world, to not just find knowledge in dusty old books, but to seek it out. It’s through not just casual memorization or exploration that true knowledge is found, but through that drive to consume, imbibe, to pour the world into your glass and drink your fill.

Quinn: Uh… okay then.

Will: Quinn, you want knowledge to help you understand the world. Understand people and your place in society. For me, knowledge is access to something higher. Greater. Far more powerful than the mundane.

Quinn: And yet here we are.

Will: And yet… here we are. Now I’ll take you.

* both laugh*

Quinn: I’m gonna go stick you in a corner of the tunnel. Leave you there to rot.

Will: *seriously* Things don’t rot down there.

Quinn: Again, the- the- the disturbing facts?

Will: *laughs*  I call them-

Quinn: I live in a- a library!

Will: I call them- I call them ‘Quirky™’.

Quinn: Yeah. Quirky.

--

Quinn: And now, it’s time for the town newsletter.

Will: ‘Roadkill Cuts Butcher is offering a special on their famous Ground Bits! All bags of Bits are half off standard prices, up to a $27 value. Please note that Roadkill Cuts Butcher is not responsible for any choking or intestinal distress resulting from your purchase. Hurry down today for this killer deal.’

Quinn: ‘The playground is closed to all traffic from sunset to sunrise. Enter at your own risk.’

Will: ‘The library is doing their bi-monthly children’s book fair. Pick up local classics such as “The Squirrels Have Eyes”, “The Woman at My Window” and “When the Whispers Call Your Name”. They are also accepting donations of canned goods, used clothing, spare lumber and fire- starting kits for local children.’

Quinn: ‘The town would like to remind all students at A New School that while you may be located in this town, you are not a part of it. Please keep all nonsense, shenanigans, explosions and general existence to yourself.’

Will: ‘Averno is lucky enough to share a border with our beloved Forest. Therefore the police would like to remind any citizen to please avoid all contact with any wildlife that may stray into the town. Do not approach, do not make eye contact, turn away and carry on. They will pass.’

Will: And on that note, thank y’all for tuning in to another episode of Live From Averno. It has been a pleasure, and I hope you enjoyed hearing me spill all my secrets on the Department of Cults and Mysteries.

Quinn: All your secrets?

Will: Well, at least a couple.

Quinn: And if you want to hear more, hit that subscribe button, and if you’re interested in keeping us stocked on Red Bull and gummies, please check out our Patreon. The link is in the bio.

Will: I can promise that your contributions will only go to supporting our work, and not to any experimentation or devious activities.

Quinn: Scout’s honor.

Will: Next, we will be doing an exploration of some of the myths and lore that plague this town. Maybe there is an answer in there folks…

Quinn: Uh, in the meantime, I just want to say to the missing, to my friends, if you’re out there: I’m still looking.

Will: We are still looking.

Quinn: So, for now: we’ve been-

Both: Live From Averno.

* music plays out*